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CHOCOLATE

This came out on DVD not too long ago and it was given to a mate of mine for his crimbo. So we sat with a few beers and watched it. We are both huge fans of the Thai film “Ong Bak” and were excited that this film was made by the same director.

The movie tells the story of a young girl by the name of Zen, played by Jeeja Yanin… she’s the autistic daughter of an ex thai mafia girl. Her mother falls for the boss of a japanese Yakuza mob, trouble is that his gang are in direct compition with the Thai gang that she is part of. Her boss finds out and tells them they must separate and never see each other again (he also shoots his own toe off for some random reason). After he departs she finds out she is pregnant and thus Zen is born.
The main story is how Zen’s mother develops cancer and needs expensive medicine in order to survive. Upon learning this, Zen and Moom (her adopted street kid brother) learn from one of her mothers old debt collecting books, that she is owed a lot of money from various scum around the city. Zen’s autism means she can copy things that she sees perfectly and being raised next to a thai kick boxing school has left her with an unbelievable talent for kicking ass!!! Bish bash bosh, she high kicks her way through the underworld collecting money for her mother until she raises the attention of some of her mothers old aquaintances.

Well lets just say, I wasn’t expecting it to be Citizen Cane or anything… I know how these martial arts epics work. But even though it didn’t exactly set fire to my thrill receptors. I am a Martial Artist myself, so I can appreciate a chop socky movie even if the plot is shoddy but this whole thing was just such a step down from Ong Bak. Everything from the cheap sets, (one car scene I swear to god its just flashing backlighting and a few people shaking the car while the dude moves the steering wheel back and fore like an epileptic B.A. Baracus), The shitty film quality (looks like an episode of River City), to the shitty acting. The acting wouldn’t have usually bothered me but the rest of the film highlights how bad it is…

No redeeming features? Well the Martial arts skills of the young Zen are truly amazing. Not quite as jaw dropping as Ong Bak’s Tony Jaa… but bare in mind she is younger and a girl! (sorry girls but its true). Also I found out that the girl had done no training in kickboxing untill she was selected for the film. She underwent two years training just to get this gig then two years to make the movie, I swear that you would think she was training with buddist monks all her life.

There is some classic fight scenes and the girls balance is amazing. The fight scenes are well pieced together and have just the right amount of combat to humor ratio but sadly it still falls short of the iconic Ong Bak. And one thing that bugs me… why call it chocolate? She eats a lot of it in the film but it doesn’t exactly have anything to do with the plot!!!

Verdict: 5/10

The action may be sweet like chocolate but the rest of it will leave a bitter taste in your mouth.

The Day the Earth Stood Still

I went along to the cinema to watch this film, basically as I was off work and needed to fill some time. Now I have seen the old 1951, black and white original and consider it a classic sci-fi of its time. It is one of my fathers fave films and I guess I have a soft spot for it. Seeing that this had Keanu Reeves in it, I thought “Christ… that’s it then! its game over for this movie!”, but I decided to pop along and waste some time anyway as I had bugger all else on and lets face it, this winters movie choice has been sparse to say the least.

The plot is kinda the same as the original I guess… An alien by the name of Klatu comes to earth on a mission to find out if we are worth saving or not. Turns out we are not and he finds out the hard way by getting shot in the chest by a nervous army grunt with a twitchy trigger finger (Note to any condescending alien races out there… if you want to land on earth to find out if there is any good in humanity, for fucks sake don’t go to the USA, they think that everyone has the right to own a fully automatic assault rifle as a form of burglar deterrent!!!)

Klatu ends up somehow befriending a young scientist and she aids him in escaping the government, who plan to interrogate him badass style. The two blunder about the country untill Klatu sees that the young female scientists love for her adopted child proves that there is another side to us humans and he changes his mind (big of him eh?). The problem is that the plan to erase mankind off the face of the earth has already begun and he must return to his mode of transport in order to turn off the GORT… A massive robot that is sweeping across the planet destroying every trace of man.

Well just as I figured it was crap… but surprisingly it wasn’t the fault of Keanu, in fact he actually fits the role perfectly. Klatu is meant to be unfamiliar with his new human body and new plantery surroundings, he is confused by our emotions and basic human traits. Sounds like how Keanu is on a day to day basis right? Wooden and spaced out, it just fits the role perfectly.

So what is wrong with it? Everything, plot holes for a start, they think that when the craft is coming that it is going to hit the earth and wipe us all out… so why do they gather up all the finest scientists and take them to where they suspect the epicenter to be? Retards!!!

Also in the original the GORT is slightly bigger than human form and is a slow but relentless destructor. In the new one however is massive, like Godzilla huge!!! And it turns into a swarm of what I guess is nano-bot insect type things that swarm around eating everything. What the fuck is that all about??? The original is dated ill grant you but it has a sweet sort of charm that this remake has sadly bypassed all together.

They figured that a healthy dose of CGI would content us I guess… well they were wrong, even that was done shoddily. They just wanted to punt this turd of a remake to us under a classics name like we are all a bunch of dumb ass mongoloids that will like anything with a big robot in it! Well I say “You can take our classic movies and even shove crappy, wooden, floppy haired actors in it… but what you cant do is suck all the soul out of it and replace it with half arsed CGI crap coupled with the winging of Will Smith’s son!”

Oh that’s another thing… Will Smiths son is in it as the adopted kid. He’s doing that “look at me, I’m acting, aren’t I good?” type thing that he does. Wanker!!!

Well I guess its not terrible all together, just pretty boring and has no soul like the original.

Verdict: 3.5/10

If I was part of a superior race watching over us Id consider this film as being reason enough to wipe us all off the face of the earth.

Hi folks, this is to just let you know that I will be taking a break from doing reviews here for while. This does also mean the pod cast will be put on Hiatus for some time.  Essentially am a bit burned out mentally with everything going on in my life right now so am going to take a while out to sort my life and personal affairs out. In the meantime McFlee & Inferno will keep you all entertained. Happy Holidays to you all and I’ll be seeing you again !

Well where do I begin when reviewing one of the true all time greatest films that was ever made - Zulu tells the story of possibly one of the story of one of the greatest military battles and defences ever undertaken.

“Zulu thousands of them” well 4000 actually head towards a small outpost filled with around 100 soldiers with some acting royalty. Sir Micahael Caine, Sir Stanley Baker, Ivor Emmanuelle, James Booth and many others. The Zulus have only one object in mind total annihilation of the British force in the back end of Africa in 1879. Thats it in a nutshell.   All filmed at one location. The whole film is the Zulus unrelenting attacks on the outpost and the defences mounted by the British to repel the Zulu Hordes There are a few minor sub plotswith Private hook going from malingerer to Vicotria Cross hero etc but to be honest the real focus is on the big picture.

There are so many stand out scenes for me. The first is when we see the full Zulu force lined up along the ridge all along the horizon as far as the eye can see. this honestly sends a chill down your spine. Another scene is the singing prior to final assault. Two sides sing their hearts out taking the fight from the battlefield to the vocal chords.  This is where it was handy to have a small number of soldiers who are classically trained tenors belting out” men of harlech”. But my all time favourite scene is when the bare landscape all of a sudden begins to move and hundreds of Zulus get up run a short distance and disappear again. This is no trick photography or CGI. This is actual real Zulus utilising their skills as hunter/warriors.

This is very different from many war films as the opposing force – the Zulus – are shown to be courageous, ferocious, organised and highly disciplined. Even though they lost the battle they came back to salute the bravery of the small regiment.

Sir Michael Caine gives the performance of his career as the pompous Gonville Bromhead, and Sir Stanley Baker produces a fine performance as the more slightly down to earth John Rouse Meriot Chard (what great names eh?) However the performance I admire has to be the Zulus, who until this film had never seen a film before, let alone know what acting is. They were shown a film and told what to do and what acting was. To be honest they do a fantastic job. Ok, some of the deaths are a bit over exaggerated, but who cares, you don’t really notice as you are swept along in the action as it is non stop.  They are better at acting than Tom ‘short arse’ cruise, or Ben ‘never went to acting school’ Affleck.

The film draws you in, getting swept up in the action. Feeling the fear, the aggression, the exhaustion that the British feel. The actual fight scenes are intense and when teh zulus breach the oputer perimeter and swarm over the hospital is just intense. At the end of the battle when the Zulus leave and Michael Caine says he feels sick and ashamed is very heartening as there is no yankee style ‘ye-ha’ jesters dead cheers going on. Your left with a sense of emptiness. This film truly is great.

There are no real special effects, apart from some red paint on the tips of spears and bayonets. This is the 300 of its Day, but blows the bloody doors off 300. (see what I did there) despite being made in 1964. It embodies the old school British stiff upper lip, as the british regiment could have retreated rather than stay and fight.

This film has stood the test of time and is still considered by me to be one to the best films of all time. The script, dialgoue, acting and cinemtography are all flawless. I beg anyone to find a fault with this film apart from the slight histroical inaccuracies.

This film is the best of the best of the best

Quote of the movie (thats actually wasn’t in the movie): “Stop throwing them bloody spears at me”

Little known fact the war chants of the Zulus were copied for the war chants of the barbarians at the start of Gladiator

10/10

Forget 300 or any other war film – this is the must see film that was ever made. Lets just hope and pray the yanks don’t do a remake and leave this true gem alone!

Episode 13 of the podcast is now online. Not one to miss finally Rambofan & OCP brought together for nearly 2 hours of ranting!.

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SEVEN SAMURAI

Now I have seen this movie before, but I don’t think I have ever seen it all at once… I saw it at Infernos house and I pinched it off him to remind me how good it is. Everyone loves a good samurai movie… right???

Seven Samurai tells the tale of a small mountain village that is frequently raided by brutal bandits. The residents are struggling to survive as it as due to the last raid on the rice season and this years barley is on the way when one villager stumbles upon a scout party for the bandits planing to return when its due. The distraught villager fear that they may not make it this time and get together to consult the wise old man of the town. He recommends that they go to the big town and look for Hungry and noble Samurai which they will pay with rice in return of protection from the marauding bandits.

After being initially unsuccessful, the villagers finally persuade one Masterless Samurai by the name of Kambei. He manages to convince some old friends and other worthy samurai to help him… including one VERY unique “samurai” by the name of Kikuchiyo and a young starstruck samurai, Katsushiro that wishes to become a great samurai. They number only 7 but decide to train the villagers in the art of war to enable them to fend off the barbaric bandits. As a unit lead by the fearless samurai can they tip the scales? You bet your sweet arse they can!!!

Now as I said, I thought I had watched this movie before and I loved it… but after watching it again, I realised that I didn’t really give the whole thing my full attention the 1st time round. I just payed attention to the battle at the end, which makes up about a third of the movie. Now bare in mind this movie is over 3 hours long. Anyway, I gave it my full attention this time and it made me realise something, the whole story is in the first 2 hours… there is hardly any action contained in those two hours but its where we learn about the Samurai and indeed the villagers. I was totally captivated from start to finish… 2 hours in and no real big fight… did I mind? NO!!!! “You fucking retarded?” I hear you cry! Well I have to say everything and I mean EVERY little aspect of this movie is masterfully crafted. It was made in 1954 and I realised how this movie has forged the modern cinema as we know it.

The cinematography is amazing, the use of slow-mo action scenes, in nineteen fifty fucking four!!! Fast cutting shots to give us a sense of urgency, and powerful sweeping shots to give us a sense of scale. And its not just the action that benefits, the whole movie is so clear I cant believe it and there is a scene in the forest where the young Katsushiro begins to explore his interest in a young girl from the village… I swear to god the way it is shot, you can almost see colour in the flowers that they frolic in. I cant explain it but its true.

I like the way that the story tells us the more realistic side of this area in Japanese history. We are all under the impression that all samurai were flawless and honorable. But this film shows the more human and fallible side to them and explores the whole class issue with a love story between a samurai and a peasant girl. Bare in mind that the director Akira Kurosawa himself is from samurai stock.

The casting and acting is spot on and the acting puts movies of today in the shade, let alone in the fifties! My fave Samurai has to be the clownish Kikushiyo… His credentials are sketchy at best and is originally turned down by the group but his persistence pays off and he eventually proves that his overly aggressive and somewhat comical style has its place within the group. (He also has the biggest sword, that’s gotta count for something right?).

Upon pondering this film more I realise that Akira Kurosawa is probably the greatest action director of all time and I have to say this film has done something I never imagined… It has replaced Aliens as my favorite film ever!!!! I know, it was a shock to me too!!!

Verdict 11/10 A true masterpiece in every way shape and form.

As sharp as a samurai’s katana and as striking as his most powerful blow.

At last this film only existed in rumour now was on the big screen made by Ronny Yu. Bringing two of the greatest iconic horror characters together for the first time in this blood and gore epic. Nightmare on elm street meets Friday the 13^th. The dream warrior Freddy Krueger with his glove of knives takes on the hockey mask wearing brutal seemingly invincible killer Jason Vorhees with his trusted machete. To be honest if you haven’t heard of these characters you must have lived in a bubble for 30 years.

The story opens with a narrative from Freddie Krueger stating as the kids of elm street had forgotten him so he was powerless so he scoured the pits of hell and resurrected Jason Vorhees, the brutal homicidal camp crystal lake killer. Freddy tricks Jason to head to elm street and start a murderous rampage which would be blamed on Freddy giving him his power back. He can then begin his own killing spree. Jason does exactly this and the kids start talking about freddy allowing him to regain his power. Jason  in the meantime continues his bloodthirsty killing spree (who would have thought). Which ultimately results in these two legendary juggernauts pitting battle against each other in the dream world then in reality.

The film does exactly what is says on the tin and nothing more. It follows the same formula as the plentiful  nightmare on elm street and Friday the 13^th films. Bunch of kids who die brutal deaths, police who don’t really do anything and a small group of teenagers who work out whats going on and go about sorting it out. The acting and dialogue seems a bit hammy at times, though there are moments of genius at times in terms of the action. I refer to the final showdown  at camp crystal lake where freddy and Jason battle it out to the end. This fight has buckets of blood and borders on the farcical at times. However I think this just adds to the charm of the film.

The film seems to employ a multitude of blood splattering special effect that have been seen many times before.

The final open ending which sees Jason walk off with Freddys head which winks. This seems pointless and yet leaves it open for a sequel. However one wonders if a sequel can deliver anything new, different or better. I have my doubts.

One of the teenagers seems to be a Jay and Silent Bob reject, but apart from that there are no  teenagers that stand out that make you think I hope they survive but then again there were none in the other Freddy / Jason Films. You just hope the teenagers get killed quickly so you can see either killer.

Great to see Robert Englund return as Freddy and newbie Ken Kirzinger does a fantastic job as Jason. But then again is there any real acting ability in playing a silent monstrous hulk of a bruiser who swings a machete.

The film has moments of promise but falls heavily into the trap of the same formulaic routine of all the other slasher films and struggles to distinguish itself from either franchise. This film is just meat and potatoes. Straight down the line good old fashioned slashtastic horror. If you enjoy this kind of film and were disappointed with the scream franchise (come on we all were).and enjoy stupid American teenagers getting it nasty then watch this film.

The music doesn’t add anything to the film however with the main song from Ill Nino a latin American soulfly-esque type band. Really impressed me, mainly as I am a big fan and were one of the best bands at Ozzfest 2002.

Quote of the film: “That goalie was pissed about something”

7/10

Good old fashioned slasher film that doesn’t bring anything new to the party. Will please those of you who are a fan of the genre but  will disappoint those who were after something different.

Sympathy for Lady Vengeance

Next up is the the latest of Chan-Wook Park’s vengence saga… made in 2005, a few years after the awesome Oldboy. Not directly a sequel as such but another story of vengeance from the talented director.

It follows the story of Geum-ja Lee, a woman sent to prison for smothering a small boy to death. It begins with her release from prison. While playing the converted born again christian that has turned a new leaf in order to get parole, it soon becomes clear that she has no intention of keeping it up now that she is free. We soon learn that she was not the killer of the child but was in fact blackmailed into confessing by a child molesting teacher that threatened to kill her own child if she didn’t. We are shown in a series of flashbacks how Geum-ja befriended many fellow criminals while in prison by doing them favours including slowly poisoning a fat lesbian that makes other chubby inmates give her hairy axe wound a good licking (gross beyond words and Ive seen some sick shit in my flatmates porn collection). The first half of the movie sees her cashing in all these favors in part of a plan to get vengeance against the real killer. As a sub plot she also tries to rekindle the bond with her now adopted daughter, although she was raised in Australia and they don’t speak the same language. The later half of the film is how she decides to take vengeance against the killer, she finds out that the boy she went to jail over was just one in a long string of brutal child murders. She makes it her mission to give the families of each child an opertunity to share in this vengeance.

Sounds kinda similar to Oldboy huh? Well its not, not in any way shape or form. For a start, the plot is sooo fucking basic, compared to Oldboy its like a rubex cube with all the same coloured squares on every side. Oldboy was soaked in imaginative well thought out fresh ideas. This however a plain basic lump of turd. No plot twists, no stunning narrative and it gives away that she is not the real killer way to early and with absolutely no flair.

The choice of casting is pretty poor too. Now I have spent a lot of time in Japan and I can spot a pretty Asian lady with the best of them, this movie keeps telling us how pretty the lead character is… now just look at her! I mean shes not bad or anything and I would surely dip my wick but she isn’t exactly the Korean Jessica Alba is she?(PS: I’d drink her bathwater!!!).

Another thing that lacks is the cinematography, Oldboy was frame for frame one of the most original movies I’ve seen in years. This movie has a few flashes of flare and is stunning in places but overall it just feels lacking in something. This and the rest just leads to your general lack of interest in the movie and even the gruesome ending fails to pull you in. I have to say, its the first bad Korean film I have seen to date… and sadly from my favorite Korean director…. shame.

VERDICT: 3/10 Don’t waste your time, there is plenty of worthy asian cinema out there, this just aint one of em!

Chan-Wook Park!!!! I shall have vengeance for this pile of steaming turd!!! You owe me 2 hours of my life!!!

Please welcome the latest member of the team, Inferno… AKA Pete.

See his first review below, the classic horror that had the critics reaching for the sickbags… Hellraiser.
He was born in England, but we wont hold that against him… well not much. He has a liking for gruesome horror and crappy 80’s movies. And like the rest of the team, loves a good action scene.