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MONGOL

I had wanted to see this movie on the big screen but as usual I was too lazy to get off my arse and go to see it at the time. It’s not often a Russian movie is allowed to grace our big screens here in the UK. But there has been a change in opinions in recent years which I put down to being driven by the popularity the excellent Crouching Tiger and other such Chinese movies. Also Pans Labyrinth and a few other notable foreign language movies are begging to make an impact. The movie is Directed and co written by prolific (yet little known to the west) Russian director, Sergei Bodrov.

The movie tells the story of a young Temudjin, the man who was to become known as the great Genghis Khan, ruler of the worlds 2nd biggest empire ever. Temudjin is played in his adult form by Japanese actor, Tadanobu Asano… whom I recognized as the masterless samurai in Zatoichi. But the beginning of the movie starts with him as a little boy who while on a quest with his father to make peace with another clan, chooses his future wife from a smaller clan that provides them with food and shelter. Upon trying to make peace, Temudjin’s father is assassinated by the said clan and they embark on a campaign to destroy the whole clan.
Sticking to Mongol rule, they cant kill Temudjin until he grows larger than the wheel of an ox cart. But the crafty wee bugger shows a nack for escaping. The rest of the movie tells the tale of how one little rogue went back to claim his childhood love, destroyed the clan that assassinated his father, united the clans of Mongolia, and formed the legend that is so familiar to us to this day.

I have to say, I love a good epic and this had epic branded all over it… unfortunately it just took so bloody long to get on with the story that I could have nearly given up. Yes it has some stunning battle sceens but they are few and far between indeed. I need a bunch more violence to keep me interested if I am supposed to be watching a movie about one of the worlds greatest ever warriors.

The best thing about the movie is the sweeping landscapes… Mongolia truly is one of the most jaw droppingly beautiful places on earth… Especially as its so alien to my natural home of the Scottish highlands. The great open planes of this movie are the true stars of the show and sweep you away into the past. Still… it’s not enough to make up for the pace of the movie. You would think the movie would be peppered with tales of battles and raids but it focuses too much on the small aspects of simple life.

Asano is his usual noble strong but silent type but for me the best performance comes from his blood brother who he has to fight in order to unite the clans and and amass the army that will give him the 2nd biggest empire the world has ever seen.

Verdict: 5/10 For me the visuals are the only thing that held my attention for any length of time, shame that one of the greatest leaders ever born isn’t done justice by the script.

Now I know why retarded people are called Mongols… because like this story, they are just a little slow!

CRONOS

Well I guess its about time I posted this seeing as its about two months since I watched it. Another Spanish language film from Del Toro. This is one of his older works that I hadn’t even heard of until Kev mentioned it to me on the podcast one time. I liked the sound of it, so i gave it a bash.

The movie follows the story of an aging antiques dealer by the name of Jesus Gris (played by Frederico Luppi) and his orphaned grand daughter. After he acquires a really old statue of an angel, he realizes that there is something hidden inside it’s base. Further investigation reveals that there is a clockwork device inside. After a fiddle around with it he realizes that there is more to the device than just its shiny appeal. He inadvertently activates the device and it attaches itself to his hand before shooting a spike into him. Once it has done this, it lets go… thinking it is just some bizarre device, he puts it in a box and thinks no more of it. Unbeknown to him, the device has changed him in some way… He develops an unquenchable thirst for blood and soon realizes he is feeling fitter, stronger and younger.

As the tale goes on, we are introduced to two more characters, a dieing business tycoon, De la Guardia, that wishes to obtain the device to sustain his life, and his brutish nephew, Angel de la Guardia (played by Ron Perlman). Perlmans character does all the nasty work in trying to get the device from Gris… to the extent of actually killing him. But it soon becomes clear that the device has affected Gris in ways unimaginable to him. He can not be killed by conventional means and becomes sensitive to sunlight. His unquenchable thirst turns to blood lust an soon realizes that he must return to the tycoons lair and find a way to put an end to the nightmare.

No Del Toro for me is somewhat of an enigma. (yeah fancy word eh? To be honest, I thought it was like a toblerone but then I discovered it meant like a puzzle… anyway) One minute he is making masterpieces like devils backbone and Pans Labyrinth., next thing you know, hes cocking up in the Hellboy series… Well this is an early affair indeed and I can safely say he should return to his roots. Although this movie is not as good as some of his other Spanish speaking movies like the before mentioned two, it still gives us a treat the like that Hollywood is clearly unable to offer up these days.

For me the best thing about this movie is the touching relationship between Gris and his grand daughter, she shows him unwavering love, even as his body begins to crumble as he is transformed. I like the way as he becomes more vampire like, she offers him the use of her old toy chest as a sort of coffin, and it is her love for her grandfather that drives him to hang onto his humanity and resist the urges of the device.

It is a movie of few big roles but the ones that there are are all expertly cast. Frederico Luppi’s portrayal of Gris beats, for me, his role as the doctor in the Devils Backbone. Perlman is also well cast as the brutish nephew shows a side to the actor that seems to have been lost in recent years… namely in the god awful Mutant Chronicles. I still haven’t forgiven him for that utter utter shite yet, and that fucking suedo Irish accent… Christ!!!

Anyway back to the movie in hand… I understand that it is not in everyone’s taste. It’s in Spanish to begin with (that rules all you “oh I’m not watching that pish coz I can’t read” numpties out for a start), also it is rather slow and focuses on the story of the relationship between Gris and his Granddaughter rather than the effect of becoming a vampiric immortal. All the same it really kept me watching all the way through.

I have to say it doesnt hit the highs of The Devils Backbone or Pan’s Labyrinth for me but it did remind me of how good Del Toro used to be. I say go back to your Latin roots and bring us more treats like this.

Verdict: 7.5/10

Cronos is Greek for time… so don’t you think it’s about cronos that you made cronos to watch this movie and give yourself a good cronos? (Hmmm I need to go back to punnery school huh?)

OCP003 makes his podcast debut with Zulu Cal. Creepshow & Body of Lies reviewed.

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1st Up is the JJ Abrams directed Star Trek re-boot for May 8 2008.

Ice Age 3 : Dawn of The Dinosaurs

The Wrestler starring Mickey Rourke, directed by new Robocop direct Darren Aaronofsky.

And Also Astro Boy, based on the Japanese Anime of the same name.

The zulu steps in front of the camera for the first time! Listen to Cal’s views on Mad Max.

Does what it says on the tin …

Babylon AD

Remember that time long ago when a Vin Diesel movie was a promise rather than a threat?. Pitch Black was a nifty Sci-Fi , xXx was dumb but enjoyable action and it seemed that we had a new action hero but it all went wrong somehow. So now we have him going back to Sci-Fi and can he re-discover the early promise?.

First signs upon reading the cast list here show a lot of promise with Michelle Yeoah and Gerard Depardieu in the major supporting roles. Vin Diesel plays Toorop a mercenary for hire in the near future living in a decaying Russia. He is given a job by his boss Gorsky (Depardieu) to transport a young girl into America, a job that will free him from his troubles and allow him to settle back in the homeland he is exiled from. The girl Aurora is from a convent and is accompanied by a senior nun/sister played by Michelle Yeoh and Aurora is seen as some sort of Messiah figure in her religious order. But this leads to a lot of chases, explosions, gunfights and fistfights as they try and get into the good old USA.

Overall this movie is mess, the main plot regarding Aurora and her purpose does not lead anywhere as it is later revealed to be just a bunch of corrupt people doing corrupt things. But the biggest gripe here is the Editing, I mean holy fuck you will not have a clue what the hell is supposed to be going on and the actions scenes are just a jumbled mess with no sense of suspense in anyway. Plus the acting here is appalling Diesel just growls , lifts his sunglasses and then shoots someone and then later he shoots some=one ,lifts his shades and growls. And to show he’s not limited in his range he lifts his shades, growls and the shoots some-one. Plus what the hell has happened to Michelle Yeoh’s career? she is starring in some right old turds these days and unlike Mummy 3 even she can’t begin to polish this one.

And then there is the ending. It stinks, really stinks. There is no satisfactory climax here , which is not surprising when the foreplay has sucked so badly but come on what the hell are we supposed to feel at the end ? happy? sad? bittersweet? I don’t have a clue and if you do the drop me an email … wait don’t bother because I couldn’t give a shit. One plus point to the movie is the way they show the crumbling eastern bloc but that can’t excuse what a mess the whole 90 minutes turns into

Rating: 2/10

Ummmmmm looks like I’m out of puns oh wait here’s one Babylawfull !

Matt at his sweariest best gives us an egg nog fuelled rant on the subject that angers him the most. And no podcast fans it’s not Stephen Hawkings constant insults !

Never heard of Savage Streets? I don’t blame ya. I didn’t until a dear friend of mine introduced me to this riot of a film. The plot is fairly simple..A street gang rapes Linda Blair’s deaf sister right into the hospital,and her best friend is thrown off a freeway overpass by the gang’s leader.(Who’s so badass he wears razor blade earrings.) The cops won’t do shit,so it’s up to Linda to teach these thugs whose boss. With her trusty crossbow in hand,she kills those no good punks in rather mundane(but fairly realistic ways..),but with one difference. She delivers kick ass one liners like…

Brenda: “I Hope You’re Double Jointed.”

Thug; “Why?”

Brenda: “Because Then You Could Bend Over And Kiss Your Own Ass Goodbye!”

(Thug Then Gets An Arrow In His Throat Courtesy Of The Leather Skinsuit Clad Vigilantress..)

I really wish I could have shown you guys the actual clip,but my editing software is being bitchy,and not working as of late..Anyway,back to the review. Our hero manages to kill the leader’s gang member’s pretty easily,but when she comes face to face with Mr. razor blade himself, she pumps him full of arrows,and he still manages to survive long enough to get into a drag out battle with the chipmunk cheeked super bitch. Which culminates in a rather explosive finale involving some paint,and a lighter. In the end the film is more memorable for it’s kick ass 80’s soundtrack than anything else in my opinion. With such hits as Justice For One,Nothing’s Gonna Stand In Our Way,Innocent Hearts,And The Quiet Ones You Gotta Watch.(All of them done by John Farnham by the way.) But the film still remains one of the more enjoyable exploitation revenge stories of the 80’s and when you throw in some well placed nudity in between(in the classroom of all places..),and the most despicable prinicpal this side of Mr. Strickland(GO FUCK AN ICEBERG!) You got yourself a keeper in my book.

***1\2

Watch The Original Theatrical Trailer Below!

Savage Streets(1984)-Trailer

And Here’s A Little Bonus For Anyone Who Cares…

John Farnham: Justice For One

And Another…

John Farnham: Nothing Gonna Stand In Our Way

And Let’s Thrown In My Own Edited Cinematic Tribute As Well…

Savage Streets-The Tribute

MAX PAYNE

We have all seen the trailer for this and it caused quite a stir in the old FIGHTRUNNER office… The trailer seems crisply directed and action packed, much like the game. So I figured it may break the run of crappy game to movie spin offs.

The movie follows the story of a widowed cop, Max Payne (Mark Wahlberg). He came home one night to find crazed junkies in his house and his wife and baby daughter murdered in their beds. Three years later and Payne is working the long forgotten cold cases in the police department basement, endlessly trawling through unsolved crime files in order to make a link with the one person that got away from his wife’s murder. As things begin to unravel, Payne gets framed for the death of his ex partner and the sister of a Russian crime boss… then he begins to use his own style of detective work in order to get to the root of the whole plot.

To be honest, the film looked like an action packed block buster but that is not really the case. It is seriously slow to get going… there is barely any action in the first 40 mins of the film. The trailer seems to have pieced together all the best shot out scenes in the movie, leaving us with the impression that it is gonna be a bulletathon… when in actual fact, the movie is far more concerned with driving the plot and keeping you guessing.

That’s not to say that its bad. the cinematography is amazing and the plot and scrip seem to have had a lot of time spent on them.. but I just cant help but think if they had thrown in a few more gun fights in the first half of the movie then this really could have been a classic. It just feels like a bit of a drag and your kind of like… “come on, just fucking shoot someone… ANYONE!!!”.
However, when the action does eventually decide to show its face it comes thick and it comes hard! The scene where the swat try to take him down in an office block is amazingly well done. Max runs along firing his 9mm as the cops let loose with fully automatic gunfire, hitting everything glass in the northern hemisphere but somehow missing him. And the slow-mo, jumping back, shotgun blasting is particularly cool. But in all fairness it just feels like it’s lacking something, and the action comes too late to fully redeem itself.

For me, Wahlberg just doesn’t look like the Max Payne from the games enough, hes too round faced and not as manic as the original. But I easily forgave him for it as he plays the tortured soul with a badge very well indeed. Just a shame he doesn’t get to crack a few more sculls!

Verdict: 6.5/10 Probably wait for the DVD release!

Better than most game to movie adaptations, just a Payne that it doesn’t give you more bang for your buck! (Yeah I know, it’s like I am not even trying anymore isn’t it?)