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gran torrino

Inferno and I were at a loose end after having a crappy pub lunch so we decided to stuff this one in the DVD player. Its been out for a while and I thought it looked cool in the trailers, so I was rather optimistic… after all, how often is it that Clint Eastwood fails to deliver?

Grand Torrino is the story of an old Korean war vet by the name of Walter Wakowski, played by Eastwood. At the start of the film, we realise he has just said goodbye to the only thing he ever gave a damn about, his loving wife. It doesnt take him long to realise that he is surrounded by a world that has changed since the glory days of the 50’s. His family are a bunch of stuck up, self obsessed shit wipes and the local neighbourhood is running down hill faster than Steven Hawkin with a broken wheelchair. A family of Vietnamese has moved in next door to him and constantly seem to erk him by just existing. Soon however he finds himself helping the young son from next door from falling into the trap of getting involved with a gang. He “reluctantly” befriends his neighbours and finds that, for all their differences, they are more like the old ways than most white Americans these days. After his “unique” getting to know you phase, Walt actually quite takes to the young lad who he first meets as he is trying to steal Walts car, a ford Gran Torrino. He helps him find work and generally pushes him on his way to becoming a man… He also rubs the local Vietnamese gang up the wrong way when they try to take young Tao into their gang, he shoves his US Army issue M1 Grand into their faces and blurts out a stak of well thought out racist slurs and threats. The more he gets to know his new friends, the deeper he gets into this new trouble, but it all seems to make him feel more alive than he has since the glory days!

Now this wasn’t the film I was expecting… I thought it was gonna be a out and out vengence movie, with old Clint doing the Dirty Harry Shtick one more time for the road. But instead this movie is a sort of tale of how urban life has changed in the US and how some of that change is good but most however is for the worse. Walter is a symbol for the old America, failing to move with the times, but still has something to teach the new America.

There is no real action in this film at all really, but Eastwood seems to hold your attention non the less. He maybe in his 70’s now but he can still do that grizzly “you better think twice before messing with me” lines with recless abandon.

For me it was missing a sort of “Big moment” a “stand alone scene” that you will always remember… maybe that’s for the good but none the less it could have done a little more.

Verdict: 7/10

Not what I expected, there is life in the old dog yet.

I ended up seeing state of play on Friday night at the local cinema. It wasn’t my choice honest – I wanted to see Wolverine. Reading reviews this film was supposed to be an electrifying thriller, a rollercoaster ride of a film. Think I must have seen the other version of this film. It was dull, boring and nothing that gave this film any glimmer of hope.

Plucky report  “Cal McCaffery” played by Russell Crowe links two seemingly unrelated murders to the nations senior political figures. The film follows him as he pieces the clues together. The information is drip fed – SLOWLY. The twist at the end I guessed in the first five minutes and the hardest thing about this film was trying to stay awake.

The acting is standard, nothing worthy of oscars, or the coveted fightrunner praise. I am no fan of Ben Affleck who delivers his usual performance, as does Russell Crowe. Under utilised Helen Mirren does add a few minor comedy moments which seem to waken up the audience up as they are starting to fall asleep.

There is a rather useless hitman, who pops up from time to time in the film. Then decides to get himself killed at the end of the film which I didnt quite understand. Wheres Frank Castle when you need him.

There is more depth in a puddle than there was in the characters in this film. The characters are so one dimensional.  There was nothing that drew the audience in, nothing that I related to in the film. Just absolutely terrible.

This film is definitely one to miss. A waste of time, a waste of money and a waste of talent. This is the most boring thrillers ever made. Worse than a straight to video release.

Rating:  -1/10

Miss this at all costs – even as a sat afternoon film on five.

PREACHER (The entire collection)

Time for my first comic book review. I have been collecting comics seriously since 1992 when I was but 12 years old, but I have to say that this comic really marked the change for me, it’s kinda what lead the way into the darker side of comics.

Preacher, is the story of a small town Precher by the name of Jessy Custer that has grown up in the deep south of America and has began to loose his faith. Jessy is of the rare disposition of being a direct descendent of the big man, Jesus Christ himself. Not only this but he is also possessed by a newborn offspring produced by the forbidden love between an angel of heaven and a devil from the deepest realms of hell. This leaves Jessy with a godlike power, “the voice of God”… this allows him to command a man to do anything he says… literally. This power has only previously been held by God himself and now god shit his pants realising this monumental fuck up and has fled heaven.

This sets off a whole host of people hunting down Jessy for their own means. First off we have a band of angles, that believe he has to be killed in order for the big man to return, they send in a relentless, unstoppable killer by the name of the Saint of Killers.

We also have The Grail, a world wide orginasation that has been around since biblical times to protect the bloodline of Christ. They aim to replace the pope with Jessy Custer in a bid to make the world fall at their knees at the sight of a true envoy of God, thing is they plan to use it to their own end.

Who could forget, Arseface… A teenager whos face has been chewed up in a botched suicide attempt with a shotgun. He has sworn to kill Jessy for ordering his father to go fuck himself, which he does by ripping his own cock off and shoving it up his own arse.

There is a host of other minor characters, ranging from gay private detectives to a Nazi sex dominatrix… yeah that’s right, a Nazi sex dominatrix.

Its not all bad though, Jessy has is one true love by his side, Tulip… a strong willed and passionate girl that would follow him to the end. And Cassidy, an Irish vampire that has a penchant for booze and blood.

Quite a lot to take in eh? Well it is everything you could ever ask for in a comic… funny, dark, violent, action packed, straight talking, hard hitting and very very sharp witted. Written by Garth Ennis, who for me is the greatest comic book writer ever. He may not be as intellectually stimulating as Allan Moore but for me anyway, he sure is more entertaining. Its the kind of writing that means you can’t stop flicking through the pages, it leaves you hungry for more and more and for me, it has left a void in my soul since it ended. Don’t get me wrong, the end was necessary and expertly executed. It ties up to many loose ends in the last book that you feel almost happy that its ended because Ennis just… well he just did it all justice.

As for the art, Steve Dillon is an old pro and these two work together like bacon and brown sauce in a Saturday morning hangover cure. His sharp inks and colours work well without being overly detailed and messy. A few other artists have a pop at some stories in the later books, but for me, it just doesn’t feel right unless its Dillon.

Sorry that this was almost a novel, but fuck me if you haven’t read this book… you really need to get your fat arse of the sofa and run as fast as you can down to your local comic shop and beg the vendor for some of the reprints!!!!

Verdict: 10/10

The most entertaining comic of all time… That is the word of God.

TAKEN

Seeing as there was no films about Zombie Nazi’s left at the old blockbuster store, Inferno and myself decided to rent a more mainstream, but still blokey film. I had only heard good things about this movie and I was pretty optimistic.

The plot: Liam Neeson plays Bryan Mills, a retired CIA agent who is trying to be closer to his daughter as she grows into a young woman. The pressures of his old lifestyle has already broken his marriage and his daughter now lives with her cunt of a mother who has shacked up with some old rich dude that keeps trying to buy her affection. Mills realises that he has to make up for all the time he was away on missions as his daughter was growing up, when she asks if she can travel in Europe for a few weeks with a friend, he is reluctant but realises that he may loose her if he doesn’t allow her to grow up.

Turns out this was a bad idea, as she is only in France a few hours when her friend and her are kidnapped by Albanian pimps. She is on the phone to her father as it happens and he talks to one of the abductors, vowing to use his CIA skills to track them down and kill them all. When he arrives in France, it doesn’t take him long to start putting clues together and soon he is on to there case. Cue the onslaught of uber violence as he beats, shoots, explodes and brutally tortures his way through the European underworld in order to locate his beloved daughter.

Neeson is outstanding in this movie. To be honest, he has made a living out of playing stony faced serious types and you know what? He does it here again… but he does it so well that you just have to love him for it. He is about 55 now, but he still comes across as a pretty fit dude. You can honestly believe that he can handle himself as you are presented with him taking on an entire crack house full of Albanian scum bags and handing them the beat down of the millennium.

The violence is pretty extreme, not overly gory, just you can see the rage inside Nessons character as he desperately tries to get his daughter back. It soon becomes apparent that he will stop at nothing to achieve this. One scene in particular conveys this, he tortures a man by ramming two 6 inch nails into his thigh bones, then attaches them to the house mains via crocodile clips…. OOCHAAA!!! Also heads get smashed in car doors, a dude gets a broken bottle stabbed into his chest, another gets a fire extinguisher rammed off his face 8 or 9 times and more people get chopped in the throat than I care to remember.

This movie is dark and violent, but I still think that most women will still enjoy it, as every moment in this film, you can see the love that Neesons character has for his daughter. You know that although he is being a brutal monster at times, it is all spawned for that love that can never be broken. Have to say it again, Neeson is unbelievably good in this!!!

Dark, broody, violent, intelegent film making, that is a relief after this years wishy washy cinema realises.

Verdict: 9/10

Let it TAKE your attention to the darker side of life.

Ah – going back to one of my fav movies – Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Written and directed by Tobe Hooper and Kim Henkel. Whats that I hear you say – Inferno reviewing a film about a chainsaw wielding crazy guy slaughtering his way through a group of teenagers. Well this film was the very first film, it pre dates Halloween and created slasher/horror film genre, which is ideas are still borrowed from to this day.

The film starts off with a group of 5 teenagers driving across texas to visit a former family home and also check on some family graves which may have been desecrated. On the way they run into a family of cannibals who seem to need to stock up their pantry. So one after the next they are all butchered by the chilling and scary leather face.

This film is a true classic. The acting is superb. I mean the 5 teenagers are a standard slasher film herd. Who meet their end in rather brutal ways. However Franklin, who is in a wheelchair, is one of the most annoying characters, probably gets it the worst. The teenagers don’t make this film interesting, the crazy family of cannibals do. The family consists of old man, leahterface, the hitchhiker and grandpa

Special mention to leather face played by Gunnar Hansen,  a rather large imposing hulk of a man, parading round, wearing a face mask of human skin. He Looks superb and plays the executes (no pun intended) the part superbly. Ok he doesn’t have any dialogue, but I suppose if your running around in the dark with a live running chainsaw your mind would be elsewhere.

One of the gruesome scenes is when a young lady is hung on a meat hook, and watched as her boyfriend is butchered in front of her. I don’t know what it is about this scene but it sends chills down my spine every time.

This film doesn’t really use special effects – real running chainsaw, real blood pretty much real everything. This was made in the 70’s when health and saftey didnt exist and they had to do it for real.

·         When Sally has her finger cut to feed grandpa, Gunnar Hansen actually cut her finger with a razor.

·         When he is slicing up a one fo the teenagers with his trusty chainsaw - the actor had to lie still while the real running chainsaw was held inches from his face.

·         The film crew actually gathered road kill and decorated the house with it. You get the idea. None of this CGI shit that is overdone these days and frankly ruins films.

What is chilling about this is that there is no specific reason given as to why this family of cannibals exists or why they butcher anyone that comes there way. Its simply – they are there and thats what they do. Aint nothing about taking revenge, or settling scores, or any of this other bollocks they came with all the copy cat films.

This genius of this film is the fact it would appear to be one the most gory and violent films you ever see, though there isn’t actually a lot of blood, and you don’t actually see that much violence – its all implied and happens offscreen. Gritty, realistic, savage – this film is not to be missed.

This was the highest grossing independent film until Halloween came along a few years later and was banned in most countries and only released i think late 90’s / early 00’s.

Quote of the movie:  “thats the last god dam hitchhiker I ever pickup”

Rating: 8/10

Just watch it!

The remake of Friday the 13^th by Michael Bay is a poor remake of the classic film franchise combining elements from several of the original films. 

Clay is searching the area around crystal lake for his missing sister (a previous Jason victim). He meets a group of 18 year olds who are heading to a house by the side of the lake for sex drugs and rock and roll. Jason turns up and one by one they are killed with a variety of implements – on escaping from Jasons rampage – Clay finds and rescues his sister. Turns out she looks like jasons mother so she was kept chained up for 6 weeks in a network of tunnels. Eventually leading to a show down in which clay and his sister finish of Jason using a large machete, a length of chain and a wood chipper.

Now lets be honest, I enjoy a good slasher film as much as the next guy but this film was just pointless. It was filled with bad acting and extremely bad dialogue (more than the original films combined). A classic example of this would be when one guy is in bed with a seriously hot woman and says “your tits are stupendous” and “you have perfect nipple placement”. I shit you not.  Whoever put that in the script should be struck down.

As for special effects there was nothing special about this film. We have seen teenagers being slaughtered one after the other before, but this never brought anything new to the table. I think Michael bay just read the A to Z of horror movies and included every scare he could muster. But it has all been seen 30 years before.

There is a few nice ladies who at every opportunity get there breasts out and believe me some of the nicest breasts you have seen, however this is the only positive about this film.

Jason doesn’t really seem to have to cool mystique he had in the originals. Yeah he is big strong powerfull being, but he never ran and he was never really bothered by injuries. However this film makes him just a big strong guy. He had somehow managed to create a network of tunnels and installed lighting in the tunnels and also in the camp itself. He also seems to use ridiculous and pointless methods of killing such as tying someone in a sleeping bag and hanging over a fire – why? he had his machete. This film has slightly spoiled the character of Jason for me.

Ultimately this was a very predictable film. You could see maybe what Micahel Bay was doing, trying inject some realism into this film. However after Jason is dispatched they push his body into the lake – why? I have no idea.

If you want a good slasher film stick with the original franchise. They may be bad but they fall into the category of its good in a bad way, however this  remake is bad in a bad way and should be avoided.

Quote of the movie: Jason  - he doesn’t say a word.

Out of 10: 2/10

Don’t waste your time on this.

British Style Revenge

Dead mans shoes is a British straight down the line revenge thriller written by Shane Meadows and Paddy Considine and directed by Shane Meadows. 

The film follows Richard (Paddy Considine) an ex paratrooper, after being away for a number of years in the military, returns to his home town with one purpose – Revenge .  

Richard takes his retarded younger brother to  hide in an abandoned farm house from where he can direct his campaign of terror on  the gang of small time drug dealers and petit criminals who abused, bullied and tortured his younger brother whilst he was away in the military. Over the course of the film we see how Richards revenge affects the gang, building on fear and terror until the criminals are turning on each other.  The film ends with an amazing heart breaking twist which I won’t spoil for you but in the words of Zap Brannigan – will blow your mind.

As the film progresses it continues to build upon the suspense and dispersed with black and white grainy flashbacks of what this gang did to Anthony, ranging from mental and physical torture to complete humiliation, so we get a better understanding of this vigilante justice.

The acting is top notch with a great script. Retarded Anthony played by  Toby Kebbel, does a great job. Paddy Considine delivers a chilling but electrifying performance of a man struggling with redemption and revenge. Its a low budget film (as indicated buy the gang driving around in a banged up rsuty citroen 2CV)and there are probably better revenge films out there (Punisher War zone for example) but this being a low budget British film has loads of charm and is a good film to watch.

The film is brutal straight down the line with the morale that no one wins. Tragic yet brilliant at the same time.

Quote of the film: God will forgive them. He’ll forgive them and allow them into Heaven. I can’t live with that

Out of 10: 8/10

Underworld: Rise of the Lycans

After seeing underworld and underworld evolution at the cinema it was only natural that I should go and see the third instalment of this pretty disappointing franchise. Well this film turns out to be a prequel to the first film, with an interesting take on romeo and Juliet, swapping the montague and capulet families for werewolves and vampires.The story takes place before the first film and really only lets us know the hsitroy between vampires and werewolves.

The aristocratic vampires have enslaved the werewolves, using them to build their fortress and protect them from rogue werewolf attacks. Rhona Mhitra plays Sonja. Sonja is the daughter of elder Vampire – Viktor, played by Bill Nighy. Sonia is having an affair with the head of the werewolf slaves – lucian. The werewolves decide enough is enough and escape with the help of the Sonja. Anyway, Viktor imprisons his daughter to entice the werewolves back, however the werewolves breed and launch a huge attack destroying the vamp population, with only a few vampires escaping

The film doesn’t really add anything to the franchise. The special effects are same as the previous two films. The werewolf transformations are pretty decently done, however they are the same as in the other two films.

Fight scenes are really are abysmal.The biggest fight in this film was me trying to stay awake watching the final battle. It really is poor.

The one redeeming feature of this film is the eye candy – Rhona Mhitra. I thought not having Kate Beckinsale parading around in tight leather will be disappointing. However Rhona Mhitra is equally stunning in her various outfits and has a damn sexy English accent.

Rise of the Lycans fails to bring anytthing new to the franchise and will only please those of who who are die hard fans.  This film is pure channel 5 film gold, and should be watched if there is nothing else on. To be honest don’t spend your money seeing this film. If you want a good werewolf film I clearly can recommend Dog Soldiers.

Quote of the film: “I’ve lived by their rules my entire life. I’ve protected them. envied them. and for what? To be treated like an animal. We are not animals! Is this want you want? We can be slaves, or we can be… LYCANS!

Rating : 5/10 (that’s 5 for Rhona Mhitra)

VALKYRIE

Yeah… I’m affraid so folks, its more WW2 from your main man McFlee. I admit I have been watching a lot about the biggest war the world has ever seen… from movies to documentaries on the history channel and even sticking it to Fritz on the X-Box in the latest Call of Duty. So it will come as no surprise that I went to see Valkyrie, even though I usually cant stand Tom Cruise.

The film is based on the true story of a plot to assassinate Hitler and overthrow his totalitarian government in a bid to end the war before the inevitable assault on the fatherland by the massing allies.
Cruise plays Claus Stauffenberg, a Nazi Colonel that realises that the Fuhrer has lost his mind and that the end of the war can never be in Germany’s favour. He looses some fingers, one hand and his left eye while serving in North Africa. A band of German officers that also sense that Hitler has to be stopped realises that Stauffenberg, who has an important post close to the Fuhrer, has been left with a bad taste in his mouth. They set out to persuade him to join them in order to get him close enough to Hitler with a bomb so that they can set the end of war in action.

As you can guess, they failed!!! No surprise there unless you are a total moron with no clue of history, in which case, you probibly dont have the intelect to have read this far into my post.

I had recently watched a documentary on these particular events and I have to tell you… I actually enjoyed that more than this movie. Truth is, this was an amazing plot and full of interesting twists and detals… Just for me, it really didn’t fill out a full Hollywood movie that goes on for more than two hours. The jist of the story could have been told in half that time.

Also, Cruise is wayyyyyy out of his depth here. I mean ok he can pull off a cocky American twat with no charactor depth (because thats what he is), but he is by no means the right man for a tortured soul, scheeming to bring down the 3rd Reich from the inside. He is surrounded by some skilled actors, such as, Kennith Branagh, Bill Nighy, Terence Stamp and even Eddy Izzard… This only leaves him looking like the one kid that forgot to bring his P.E. Kit to school and ends up having to do football in his underpants. Another thing is that everyone is talks in an English accent, choosing to avoid sounding like the germans from Allo Allo I think… this is ok for me but it really draws attention to Cruises high pitched whiny Californian accent and again with the kid in the y-fronts thing!

Verdict:5/10

It only gets that grade because the subject matter is really interesting even if it does feel drawn out. One for the commited war fact fan.

Feels about as long as the second world war actualy lasted.

The boys at Stirton Productions have informed us that, Fightrunner favourite “One Day Removals” has been totaly sold out of its current DVD stock and are busy making more. I like to put that down mostly to our efforts but I guess I would be a total load of shite. Anyway they have given us a few links for you lucky beggars to feast your peepers upon…

A screening of the film running on the Dailymotion site from the 30th Jan, to the 2nd Feb for all you people out there who haven’t bought yourself a copy yet.

Also ther is a FANTASTIC edit of “ODR” with all the non swearing cut out, that leaves us with more than four minuets of pure Scottish cuss words that they have entitled “Sweary Movie”

They have also set up an online store, selling all kinds of ODR goodies from mugs to t-shirts.

And don’t forget the IMDB page.
Please, if you loved the movie, leave a review… it all helps to get it recognised and help grow the fanbase. Who knows, maybe one day we will see a Patric Whyte greetin his een oot (crying his eyes out) at the OSCARS.

Cheers you cunts!!!!